I hate when I do this. 

I open that little(big) box in the back of my mind. I unlock the door. I let myself think about what has hurt me. And I let it consume me. Does what has been said in the past really make a difference now? It shouldn't. It wouldn't if I were smarter than this. 

I wish I could be smarter than this. 

It happened. I can't do anything about it now. *Drunken words are sober thoughts.* The ARE....aren't they? Or am I just making up excuses...I really don't know. Am I trying to make myself believe some random person's philosophy, just to hide the pain and try to forget about it? I hope it's the former. Because if it's not...did that cause me to push too much too quickly? Could it turn in to a horrible snowball effect that leads to the end of this? Could that be why it's changed?? I really don't want to lose this. I don't want it to go away. I'm trying so hard not to push it away.

Damn...I worry way too fucking much. It happened. It's over. The end. If it had lead to me pushing it away, it would have done so by now. It wouldn't be 4 months later and everything is fine. 

I can't fucking leave well(bad) enough alone.
Ugh.

Seconds become minutes. Minutes become hours. Hours turn to days and days quickly turn to weeks. 

You lose track of time when you're in pain. She noticed this. And yet it seemed like an eternity would pass by before she got to see him again. She did everything she could to take her mind off of it, but to no avail. No matter what she did, who she was with, where she was going...she thought of him. Always. And she was hoping that the brick that seemed to weigh down on her heart would lift with time. She thought she would be able to get used to him not being there anymore. But she was wrong. The pain never lifted, and she never forgot about it. 

She thought about the first time they spoke of their future together. It was bliss. She thought about their conversation the following evening, too, and she tried not to let it ruin the moment. "Drunken words are sober thoughts," she had to tell herself. Whether she truly believed it, well, no one can be certain. 

But then it came.
The breakthrough she was waiting for. 
The thing she knew would come in only a matter of time. 

He truly loved her. And he truly missed her...the same way she loved and missed him. That was the important part: the same way. She knew he would give her everything he had. She knew he would never want to let her go. But the actual knowledge...knowing for certain that those little glimpses of her future with him were actually shared. She waited for so long the day when he would say it. For the day he would once again open up the way he used to. 

And he did. And when he needed her, she was strong for him. 

It reminded her of how things used to be, before they were a couple. Before the love making and the cute text messages throughout the day and the I love yous: They were there for each other. She remembered how they kept each other strong and wiped away each others' tears. How they offered advice and took criticism. How they talked and listened. When they stayed up late and woke up extra early...

She was reminded once again why she fell in love with him. And for that moment, even if just for a moment...she was content.

Summer was ending. It was time to go. She hugged him tight one last time, unable to ease her shakiness. Memories flooded her mind and ached her chest as she watched him walk away. And at that moment she realized that that's all she was leaving with...memories. A few shirts that smelled of him, a stuffed animal he bought her (because he did cute stuff like that,) and memories. She didn't understand why he couldn't just go with her, why he had to stay so far away.

But he did. And it hurt her.

She continued to move numbly forward, closer and closer to the security checkpoint; further and further away from him. The salty liquid she couldn't stop from running was hot and burned her cheeks. But she couldn't wipe them away. And they wouldn't stop.

She didn't care what the people around her thought. "What do they expect??" she asked herself. They could stare all they wanted, because it wasn't the splotchy face or the shaky hands that gave her away. It was everything those streams of tears signified...the most important thing she had...

A broken heart.

It was all she could do to finally get some sleep on that God-forsaken plane ride home. Of course she didn't sleep the night before; she sat awake and watched him sleep peacefully through puffy, tear-exhausted eyes instead. She traced the details of his tattoos with her fingernails and ran her hands through his hair. And she went over every single detail she had ever etched into memory about him, physically and otherwise.

She thought about their unbelievably amazing times together, and she thought about their worst times together. (None of which were really that bad, and she knew that. And more importantly: she was grateful.) She couldn't have been more grateful that they fit together so close to perfectly. And she let God know, once again, how thankful she was. She knew that she was truly blessed, and had been since the day he came into her life.

And a sudden jerk of the plane startled her. She knew she had been dreaming about him. It had started already. The simple knowledge that she wouldn't wake up to his sweet smile, fall asleep in his arms, and do Lord-knows-what inbetween anymore, was simply flooding her. She was dreading going back to her family. She didn't want them to give her a hard time for being so upset. She didn't feel a need to have to deal with that, too.

But the time came when she heard the pilot's voice requesting the passengers to fasten their seat belts and move their seat to the upright position.

And she was home.  

But was it "home?" Her family was there. Her friends were there. Her school and her life was there. But isn't there that overused cliche about home being where the heart is? She couldn't help but ask herself if she had left her heart back there with him....

.:.TBC.:.

The past 5 days were the best days of my entire life. Truthfully. They were absolutely incredible. There really are no words. 

It's just not fair. Why is something so good so far away??? I lost it once, I'm not stupid enough to lose it again. Does that mean it truly is time to move? That's such a big step. Not that I don't think WE could do it...it's more my school I'm concerned about. WIll I be able to attend CSU and be content with it? That's a BIG question. I'm in a damn good program right now...can I risk it? 

I know I can fly back to Florida anytime I want. This is one of the many advantages of being financially stable. But there are so many possible disappointments in moving to a place so unstable for me. But the scary thing is that he's the one person I'd do it all for. I would give up USF, I would give up the studio. I would give up being near my family. 

I can dance anywhere. Studios and programs are something that will always be around no matter where I go. And my family will ALWAYS be here. (That's pretty much a guarantee.) And with the type of stability I would be moving to, visiting the fam (pretty much whenever I get the urge to) wouldn't be a problem. And THE BEST part of it all is that I would finally have him. I could finally be with him. I feel like I've fought for so long now, and all I want is an outcome. I don't have a problem fighting for him. I'll do it for as long as it takes. It's just a painful process. And with as strong as my feelings are, I feel like because we're not "technically together" that he's not completely getting everything I have to offer. And I want him to have my all. I want him to have The Best of Me...

...So badly that I'm getting frustrated with CSU's website because I can't find audition dates for their dance program anywhere.
And to answer my previous question: I'm willing to risk anything for him. 
<3

I find it interesting how one person can change your entire outlook on life. How no matter what troubles you may be having, they are always there to, if nothing else, make you smile. How when they say "I would do anything for you," it's TRUE. 

And it doesn't have to be a significant other, either. It can be a best friend, a family member, anybody. Some people say they have tons of best friends and that they would do anything for all of them. I find this very hard to believe..."anything" and "everything" are both very big words. 

I feel like I've been redundant in my past few entries, but you know, I'm proud to say I'm finally EXPERIENCING all of it. Certain people really can keep you alive. They can keep you going. They can keep you smiling. They can keep you motivated. They can keep you pushing through life, even if it's just to see them or hear their voice one more time. They make all the shitty stuff worth it. Because they always know just what to say, what to do, to make you forget about it all. And it's rare that they are even aware that they're doing it...which is what makes it damn near perfect. Something just clicks when you talk to them, see them, think about the memories with them. And you just know. I'm not exactly sure what you "know," but that's what you say, isn't it? Or you at least think it. You get pulled out of that hole or that shell that you feel stuck in, and it's thanks to them. That ONE person. 

And I'm not talking about that silly butterfly feeling you get when you talk to a crush or think about your new infatuation. That's called cloud nine, and it's unrealistic. I'm talking about the true, comfortable, everyday conversation with someone you LOVE. The conversation that you look forward to every single day because you feel incomplete otherwise. Where something was missing out of that day if you were "too busy" or "too tired" to have it. No! You're never "too ANYTHING" for that part of the day if you truly have that someone. I've learned that...the hard way, unfortunately. But I'm glad that I have regardless, because I pray everyday that I don't have to experience another one of those days...ever.

Unfortunately with this distance problem it makes it difficult between that someone and myself. But I'm also praying that will fix itself. And I have faith that it will, because we ARE that one person to each other. (Well, at least I hope it's reciprocated.) But I'm pretty sure it is. Anyway, my point was to describe the impact a single person can have. But I have come to the conclusion that that's pretty much impossible. Something so simply amazing isn't describable. It just isn't. And I think that's why it is what it is.

At any rate, I love it. And I hope to God I don't lose it this time. 3rd time's a charm...
Lucky number 3, right?  ;)


~The Countdown: TWO days.
<3

"The Best of Me" - The Starting Line

Tell me what you thought about when you were gone
And so alone
The worst is over
You can have the best of me
We got older
But we're still young
We never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

Here we lay again
On two separate beds
Riding phone lines
to meet a familiar voice
And pictures drawn from memory
We reflect on miscommunications
And misunderstandings
And missing each other too
Much to have had to let go

Turn our music down
And we whisper
"Say what you're thinking right now"

Tell me what you thought about when you were gone
And so alone
The worst is over
You can have the best of me
We got older
But we're still young
We never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

Jumping to conclusions
Made me fall away from you
I'm so glad that the truth has brought back together me and you

We're sitting on the ground and we whisper
"Say what you're thinking out loud"

Tell me what you thought about when you were gone
And so alone
The worst is over
You can have the best of me
We got older
But we're still young
We never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up

Turn our music down
And we whisper
We're sitting on the ground
And we whisper
We turn our music down
We're sitting on the ground
The next time I'm in town
We will kiss girl
We will kiss girl

Tell me what you thought about when you were gone
And so alone
The worst is over
can have the best of me
We got older
But we're still young
We never grew out of this feeling that we won't
Feeling that we can't
That were not ready to give up

We got older, but we're still young
We never grew out of this feeling that we wont give up 



Yep, pretty much my life at the moment. <33